OKAY...here we go...let's wd40 this dirty fucker...get it all lubed up...so we can get those rusty balls off...i mean, bolts off...give a few blows through the old corn holes...maybe stick a few pens under the couch cushions so we can find them a few years later...i mean...what i meant to say was...to my dearest of cult members...5 days in the life of william brown!!!...as he attempts to write his new book "SUNSHINE KID DETECTIVE AGENCY"...a fascinating, behind the scenes look...an attempt to peak through the blinds and see how it all works...the creative process at work...the thrilling day to day life of a writer at work...girls, vodka, fast cars, cocaine!...well...hmmm...okay then...let's just say...let's just casually mention...by the way...sunnyside up or scrambled?...would you like a little yogurt on the side?...fuck this bullshit...let's go...
DAY 1...THE SERPENT KING
Today i woke up and started reading "firestarter" by stephen king. That man writes page turners i tell ya...couldn't put it down. It's about a kid that can start fires with her mind...pyrokenisis is the fancy, dancy term for it. She got the firestarting power from her parents, who were guinea pigs for an experimental drug called "lot 6" back in their college days. Well, this drug gave them some ESP type powers which went to another level when they had a kid. Stephen king in his book called "on writing" says two of the main things you should do as a writer is to "read and write alot"...well, today i read all day and did dickity doo-da on the writing front...1 out of 2 ain't bad i guess...well that's not true...i did write this down...but i wrote it pretty quick...tomorrow i will put the book down and write! 
DAY 2...FOOTBALL HELMETS TURN ME ON
Forgot today was sunday...i watch nfl football obsessively on sundays. People find it surprising to find out i'm a sports junkie. I jokingly say "that it makes me feel normal...one with the masses...with the men of our great nation!"...now i know, i know...you're saying "sports is a waste of money and time, that it's used by the powers that be to take your mind away from more important things...that it's a modern day gladiators or bull fighting...that all you're really doing is cheering for uniforms...all you're doing is cheering for rich men that don't give a rats ass about you." Like i said...i know, i know...i've read my noam chomsky like a good little leftist boy...i mean, the funny thing is that i could tell you more about the quarterback of the minnesota vikings than my own dad! Speaking of which, the reason i watch football with a crazed look in my eyes is because i gamble on the games for money with my dad. It's actually increased our communication with one another...i actually call him now!...and i'll email him a dozen times during the course of a week ranting and raving about how this team fucked me over or that player jerked me around. Anyway, i get a little passionate, a little emotional on sunday....therefore, there's no way i can write in that kind of mindstate...i'll write tomorrow...
DAY 3... DO-IT-YOURSELF COMPUTER NEUTERING...WORK FROM HOME!
You know what the worst thing you can do if you're trying to write a book?...it's to make a coffee and then turn on the computer. Fuck is that a writer killer!...you end up checking your emails, going on facebook, downloading some music illegally (shhh), watch some youtube videos, check the weather etc.etc.etc....and then when i finally will myself to shut it all down and walk away the caffeine from the coffee kicks in and i want to move around...do something physical...so i use that fake energy to go down into the forest cut down a tree, buck it, quarter it...and then hike it back up and put it into my woodshed...by that time the caffeine has worn off and i'm feeling tired, so i lie down in my yurt and watch the clouds drift by the dome in the ceiling. After i watch the clouds for awhile i realize that the day is pretty much shot so i say "fuck it" and turn the computer back on...i'll write tomorrow...
DAY 4...ANNE RICE
The main character in the book i'm writing uses a pendulum to make decisions. So i figured i'd try it out in real life, to make my character that much more authentic. So i spent the day researching online...youtubing "how to use a pendulum" and then trying it out myself...asking important questions and then seeing which way the pendulum swung. I guess the pendulum is supposed to move according to the will of your subconscious or some such thing, or maybe some guy in the higher realms is in charge of "pendulums" and how they swing, i don't know...it just felt to me that i might as well have flipped a coin...heads i do this, tails i do that. I mean, when i don't move my hand the pendulum doesn't do anything and when i do move my hand i feel i'm consciously directing the movement in the direction i want it to go in, so i can add weight to what i already wanted to do in the first place. I don't know, a couple of people who come into MOONMONSTER'S SECRET CAVE use their pendulum alot. My astrologist, cult member #71, uses his pendulum to help him pick which anne rice books he's supposed to read. Another guy uses his pendulum to figure out what percentage my aura is at. What i need is more info...or more practice...or more something. Anyway, i got so involved in this pendulum thing that i didn't write today...i'll write tomorrow...
DAY 5...MY DOG'S NAME IS "MISCHIEF"
I had this dream recently where i was having sex with this hot little number...with this sizzler of a sex freak!!!...woa, woa, woa...i mean, i had this dream recently where i was having sex with my wife!...yeah, that's the ticket...and i was about to orgasm when she un-stradled me and started to walk away..."WHAT THE FUCK!?!...WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?!"...she turned back to me and said "i have to go, little bear is barking and needs me."..."LITTLE BEAR!?!"...i yelled...and then i woke up hearing my next door neighbours dog "little bear" barking right near my door...barking in that non-stop little dog bark..."fucking dogs" i muttered and then fell back onto my pillow nursing my blue balls...
There are 20 dogs and a psycopath within baseball throwing distance from me. I'll leave the psycopath for another day...but those dogs...oh those dogs...and out of those 20 dogs...5 of them bark alot...and 3 bark constently...i live in a yurt which is like a giant tent with canvas walls and sound easily enters inside. The dogs will bark at anything that moves...a person biking on the road, a coyote howling, a leaf falling, a deer pissing...you name it, and they're going crazy. They all feed off of each other too...one will start barking and then the others will follow suite. I wake up to dogs barking in the morning, eat with dogs barking, make love with dogs barking, meditate with dogs barking and go to sleep with them barking. I can't tell you how many times and in how many ways i've killed some of those dogs in my head. The psycho above me has 8 dogs and they are the worst...but this guy is a ticking time bomb ready to go off...and i really don't want to be the guy that lights that bombs fuse. The people next to me have 7 dogs...including little bear...one of those annoying little dogs that are in a constant state of neurosis and fear, causing them to bark endlessly. I work through these barking dogs as best i can though and pray for rain or snow or freezing cold, cause that's when the dogs don't bark as much...anyway, the dogs were barking like crazy today which was making me all violent inside and i don't like to write when i'm violent, especially when i'm trying to write a book with alot of comedy in it. So, scratch another day off the list...
i'll write tomorrow...
