TEENAGE NINJA TURTLE SEVERED LEG
When i was little...like 5 or so...i’d drive my mom crazy by always pulling out a whole bunch of toys from my pocket...we’d go out for dinner and i’d just start taking toys out of my pocket and setting them up on the table...she got so crazed about it, she used to frisk me before we went out anywhere!...well over 30 years later, not much has changed...maybe it’s immature...but for me it’s just fun to pull these toys out at any given moment in any given situation...it’s alleviated boredom and tension in some cases...in this picture i have “raphael’s” cut off leg...he’s one of the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES...i used to have it on the dashboard of my cars as a token of good luck...now i carry it in my pocket...just in case...you never know...
RUBBER HAND
when i do my performances i have certain rules...and one those rules is...DO NOT SNAP YOUR FUCKING FINGERS!!!...there’s this annoying thing that people do...at SLAM POETRY events most specifically...and that is, when a poet onstage says something that someone in the audience likes, that audience member will snap their fingers in appreciation...a kind of polite applause perhaps...now, the last person that did that at a WILLIAM BROWN SHOW, i followed them home...surprised them when they were opening their door...pinned them down...and with a pair of wire cutters...CUT OFF THE HAND that they snapped with!...i then came home and shrunk it down to size...i carry this shrunken hand to show people...TO WARN PEOPLE...not to snap their fingers...HOWL LIKE A COYOTE, BARK LIKE A DOG, MEOW LIKE A CAT...but DO NOT snap your fingers!...OR ELSE...take care...BE AWARE...
SUPER BALL WITH A TOOTH IN IT
I like to play with superballs...it’s really fun to take a superball out of your pocket when you are in a mall or a hospital and let it fly!!!...one time i tossed it in a cafeteria and it hit a man square in the chest after the first bounce...his food tray went flying and so did i!...i ran off before he could beat me up!...i have a collection of superballs for different occasions...this one is kind of fun though...IT’S A TOOTH THAT I RIPPED OUT OF A RIVAL POET’S MOUTH...and is now in a superball that i carry in my pocket!...to remind me...
FRANKlin
Found this dude under my bed one stormy night, many moons ago...he was making a bunch of noise, and when i lifted up the covers and took a peak he lunged at me...scared the shit out of me...but he said he was only joking, that his name was “FRANK” and that he meant no harm...i laughed it off, why take it personally?...now we go on SCARING MISSIONS together...hide under little kids beds, and wait for the lights to go off...most people don’t laugh when they see WILLIAM BROWN AND FRANK UNDER THEIR BEDS though...most parents yell at us, and dads threaten to beat the shit out of us...whatever...we piss in the river and wash our backs with it...in the end...MAYBE IT’LL PUT SOME HAIR ON SOME KIDS BACKS...william brown and frank...our service to humanity.
MACE
I carry around a can of mace, just in case, not for bears, but for your face...cause i’m scared of humans, I’M SCARED OF THE HUMAN RACE...sparrow told me that one time she was in Nelson...waiting for the light to change...she was standing next to this kid who was a skater or into hip hop and had his pants riding low...this car pulled up and a guy rolled down the window and started screaming at the kid “TO PULL HIS FUCKING PANTS UP!!!”...some people need to be taught a lesson on respect...and if he was yelling at me i would’ve walked up to him and MACED HIS FUCKING FACE!...you never know when someone’s gonna fuck with you, and it’s nice to be prepared!
BABY HAND
I mentioned before that people come into MOONMONSTER’S and pull out their pendulums and give them a whirl to see if they should be buying what they want to buy...i have a pendulum myself...it’s a little bit different from the normal crystal ones though...mine is a plastic dolls arm that i cut off from a doll that some little girl left behind...i cut off the arm with a rusty hacksaw...is this wrong?...am i a bad person?...am i in league with satan?...well, i am a cult leader after all, and certain esoteric rituals do appeal to me...therefore, i’m okay with what i did...the doll didn’t complain...though it won’t look at me when i pick it up now...the doll pretends to sleep...anyway, i tied a string around the end of the arm and when i’m at the crossroads with something i pull it out of my pocket and see what direction it spins...sparrow and i have been at a crossroads as to where we want to live in the future...should we stay in Winlaw or move elsewhere...so i decided to see what the cut off arm had to say about it all...and interestingly, it told us we should live on Vancouver Island, just south of Port Alberni, near Lake Cowichan...hmmmmmm...something to ponder at the very least.
BEER SMURF
This dudes ready to party!...whenever i bring out beer smurf, it takes things to another level!...kids start dancing like crazy, adults start talking jibber jabber, dogs start dry humping your legs!...this cross eyed smurf is my party in a pocket!...THIS DUDE CHUGS...chugs so hard he gets bubbles stuck in his digestive system...and you have to pat him on the back to get him to burp...like he’s a little baby...and then he’ll burp and throw up all over YOUR WHITE PANTS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT BE WEARING cause it’s past labour day...and you were warned...and he’ll steal your woman too!...and he’ll huff your gas out of your car...and he’ll steal your underwear from your drawer...and put HOLES IN YOUR CONDOMS...he’s cool and all, but he’s kind of mischievous like a gremlin...he’ll hog your tv and then lose your remote...he’ll piss on your bed...he’ll eat all your food...and make a shit load of long distance calls...i just want to give you all sides to beer smurf...you know, give you a warning is all...cause once this dude comes out of my pocket, it’s a party!...THIS DUDE CHUGS...but he’ll also fuck up your life too!...who knows maybe you need your life to be fucked up...maybe you need a kick in the ass to change...maybe you need me to take beer smurf out of my pocket...dare me to?...fuck yeah...OKAY, LET’S PARTY!
GANGSTA GRILLZ
FJCDXGHFHFFGXB FTJDY RTH RDDDXAfs gggfhggJDGF GH FFFCNGBVBF...ooops HARVEST THE CAT just walked across the keyboard...but the funny thing is...is...is...is that is...is...is...is...kind of what i sound like when i have those fake teeth in my mouth!...i found those teeth next to a urinal at the “DAM INN PUB” www.facebook.com/pages/Dam-Inn-Pub/179032523835 ...and after a light clean with the sleeve of my flannel shirt, i put them into my mouth...OH FUCK, THAT’S GROSS!!!...that’s the type of shit you do when you’re drunk my friends...luckily for you and me i don’t get drunk no more...learned my lesson that night, after my gums became inflamed and scabby from those fake teeth...i went to the dentist and he said i had a sexual transmitted disease...i’ve been treating it ever since...THE LESSON OF THIS STORY FOLKS, IS DO NOT PUT FAKE PLASTIC TEETH THAT YOU FIND NEXT TO A URINAL INTO YOUR MOUTH!...EVER...DON’T DO IT...DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE DO IT!...THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CULT LEADER WILLIAM BROWN...BE AWARE...TAKE GOOD CARE...YOUR FRIEND AND NEIGHBOUR.
PLASTIC SOLDIERS
I carry a whole platoon of soldiers in my pocket...ready, willing and able to fight for truth, justice and the canadian way!...these little green soldiers love their country and will do anything, and everything to protect, divide and conquer!...some of the greatest assassinations of all time have come from my highly trained pocket soldiers...MARTIN LUTHER KING JR, MALCOLM X, CHE GUEVERA, JOHN F. KENNEDY, JOHN CANDY...and the latest, and greatest notch on the bed post...OSAMA BIN LADEN...that’s right, the rumours are true...these fuckers took out the greatest enemy of all time!...so beware if you cross me...i won’t pull out a gun, but i’ll pull out a whole bunch of kick ass, in the form of little green plastic soldiers...READY TO DIE!
LIL SUZIE CREAMCHEESE
I picked up this little girl the other day hitch hiking...she said her name was “LITTLE SUZIE CREAMCHEESE” and that SHE USED TO BE A PROSTITUTE on some island in the south pacific...but she managed to get away from her pimp and flee the island thanks to a buddhist and his makeshift boat...it was from him that she learned the EIGHTFOLD PATH...and has dedicated her life to it ever since...she has a really high pitched voice and a positive perspective on life...in one short ride she won me over, and i invited her to live in my pocket for a little while...she agreed and hopped right on in...it was a bit of a tight fit, cause of all my other toy friends in there...but she made it work...today she’s teaching me about KARMA...i thought it was when you threw a boomerang and it came back to you...but she told me it had nothing to do with boomerangs...for starters “it’s the motivation that underlies an action...then it’s the action that follows...followed by the residue of energy generated by that action...but if your action is not attuned to the karmic situation, things will go wrong.”...I told her that sounded good and all, but it didn’t beat throwing a boomerang and have it come right back to you!...she laughed and so did i...little suzie creamcheese and william brown...LIKE TWO LITTLE KIDS RIDING A BIKE THROUGH TOWN...taking off our pants and watching the old ladies frown...and get this...HER FAVOURITE COLOUR IS BROWN!
